4 Signs of a Toxic Friend: What I Wish I Hadn’t Ignored
Disclaimer: none of the names I’ve used in this article are real (save for my own and one person at the end) in order to protect their privacy.
As a child I grew up with a next-door neighbor my age — Debbie — that I wasn’t afraid to call one of my best friends. I lost count of how many sleepovers we had together, hours upon hours were spent imagining we were different people in different worlds, she even taught me how to ride a bike without training wheels. Every second I spent with Debbie was a second I didn’t want to end. Every time she would look at me and say “you’re my best friend, Annie” I would glow with joy.
It was no big deal that Debbie would completely ignore me if someone she liked more (at least for the moment) came to play with us.
I ignored how she would shame me if I did anything she didn’t 100% agree with.
If I would want to something different her response was “too bad.” So what?
Worst of all though, if I stood up for myself (which was extremely rare) I always felt like a terrible friend.
Sadly, Debbie wasn’t my last toxic friend; far from it. It’s taken me years of toxicity and neglect from peers to learn who’s truly there for me — and even then, it still took a long time for me to quit asking myself “how much longer till I’m abandoned?” While there are several lessons I’m proud I’ve learned from being in these situations (though those are an article for another day), I can’t say my past didn’t leave some ugly marks that still refuse to heal. While there can be many, many signs that a friendship isn’t all that it seems, these were the biggest red flags I blissfully didn’t notice or ignored.
Shaming
How many times has someone disguised an insult as a joke to you? When you obviously got upset, did they tell you to “get a sense of humor”? This is one of the textbook examples of verbal abuse. Nowadays, it’s incredibly common for best friends to playfully insult each other, but what happens when the good fun crosses the line? I myself have experienced this and other forms of shaming which are incredibly common in toxic friendships. A less than ideal friend can often shame you for hanging out with other friends, belittle you for accomplishing something they wanted (or even just achieving something in general), making you feel as though you never have any good ideas, and overall just seem to suck the life out of you.
Are any of these starting to give you déjà vu?
Guilt Tripping and Manipulation
For this example, let’s take a look at my high school best friend, Michael. Looking back, I can safely say that we didn’t have a lot of the same interests. While we had bonded over our shared love of movies, Marvel movies were not only Michael’s favorite, they were practically what his entire life revolved around. If there were times (and there were plenty) when I didn’t want to watch X-Men for the five hundredth time, Michael would suddenly look and act like a puppy I’d just kicked. “I do what you want to do all the time,” was the tired, old line of persuasion he would often use against me (which was a lie). This was a common way for him to get you to do things you didn’t want to do. If you worked up the nerve to stand up for yourself (not just regarding the manipulation, but in general) he would often bring out the crocodile tears. The next time your friend tries to persuade you to do something, really analyze their tactics for such. Are they truly healthy ways?
Endless Streams of Texts
We’ll be sticking with Michael for this point. Back in my first three years of high school I was on the forensics (speech and debate, not the study of crimes) team. When I wasn’t busy with seemingly endless homework, I was away at other schools competing on the weekends. I can’t tell you how many times I would check my phone after a cram session or a competition to find endless messages from Michael. His favorite question to ask if I didn’t respond within the hour was “are you mad at me?” I always found myself wanting to reassure him that I wasn’t angry. However, the more times I received this message, the further from the truth that became. Disney movies and shows can often make it look like life is downright empty if you don’t spend every millisecond with your best friend, but we all probably know by now that it’s important to have your own life outside of them. This is a good example of what can happen when you don’t. Take a look at the texts you and your friends have sent each other. Does it ever seem a little one sided? How many texts pile up while you’re busy?
Exclusion
The irony of this involving those who get mad at you for having other friends is downright comedic. Have you ever felt like a place holder for a friend? Someone they bide their time with until someone better comes along? I can safely say I’ve been there more times than I care to remember. Whether you find photos of your friend group’s fun without you on social media, not being able to get in a single word when you’re all out to eat, or even just one person ignoring you for a newer model, this is when you truly understand how it feels to be the odd one out. I can still remember my childhood days of trying desperately to get Debbie’s attention while she wouldn’t even break eye contact with who she had deemed more worthy. I often wish I could go back in time and tell my young self that it wasn’t worth it. How often do you find yourself staring at your phone in an attempt to act like being isolated doesn’t bother you?
So how can you make sure you’ll never make another toxic friend? Frankly, you can’t. However, you have the power to decide just how much control they have over you, and it starts with your decision to leave when the first red flags are raised. I’m hoping by sharing my own trials I can open at least one person’s eyes to their toxic company’s true colors. The idea of having no one can be scary and sad, but it’s better to have nothing around for miles than to be trapped in a vat of toxic waste.
